I Was That Poet Almost Nobody Liked

Fuck me, I love these pictures. They are from Jerry Schroeder's latest work, I Was That Poet Almost Nobody Liked. The first image is the cover and the second image is the inside flap. The only thing I hate about them is that I didn't think of it first.

In the next month or two, I will post some samples from this work plus from his equally insane book, Symphony, on the website. In the meantime, check out this previous post on his Sorcery Tracks performance.

Parasite delayed

I have been working on a piece for D. Mitchell’s Parasite Regained and ironically have been infected by some sort of viral parasite. I believe it is an entity / curse / voodoo attack from a group of rose enthusiasts because I mocked their flower arrangements. Thus the updates have been slow to come.

Ahh, call me a Romantic, but I really do enjoy the delirium that comes with a high fever.

I'm an expert at ... what?!

I’ve been coming across the notion of expertise a lot lately, especially with Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers still riding high on the bestseller lists. The argument is that if you put 10,000 hours of deliberate practice into honing a particular skill set, you will have mastered that skill, or, in other words, become an expert.

Let’s crunch the numbers:
Over ten years = 1000 hrs/year = 2.75 hours a day (approx.) of practice
Over twenty years = 500hrs/year = 1.5 hours a day (approx) of practice
Over thirty years = 333hrs/year = just under 1 hour a day of practice
And so on.

Putting it into these terms depressed me, as I realized that after 41 years, the only thing I am an expert at is masturbation.

My First Chuck Palahniuk Reading

I felt that I needed a bit of culture so I headed out to a Chuck Palahniuk reading at the Chapters Bookstore in Burnaby. I gave up going to readings years ago as I found most writers would weigh their words as if each one was precious, instead of just delivering the goods. Not to mention, what most wrote just bored me to tears. I want writing filled with violence, sex, violent sex, sexual violence, occultism (with both sex and violence) and a whole lot of head-fucking (postmodern? conspiracy?) theory. Basically, works that have no literary merit whatsoever.

So it was with some trepidation that I went to this event, but my mate, Michael W. convinced me to give it a go. I should point out that I like most of what Chuck has written. I was just worried that it would not translate well in performance. I knew the event was going to be big so I showed up early to stake my place. I’m glad I did. Wristbands had been distributed earlier for those rabid fans who wanted their books signed. Their dedication paid off as they were allowed into a little pen with chairs while the rest of us Prols had to stand around the perimeter. I had a great vantage point so I was happy.

Chuck came out and after a short intro kicked things off with a game. The game for this tour was simple. He had 100 inflatable pre-signed penguins which he threw out into the crowd. The first person to blow up their penguin would win a DVD of the movie Choke. This set the tone that things were not going to be taken too seriously. Just sit back and enjoy. There were two more rounds throughout the night.

The reading was great. The selections were not from his latest work Pygmy but were imaginary bedtime stories that would have been read to the protagonist of that book. These were twists on standard tales – Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Hansel and Gretel and Little Red Riding Hood. The style is a parody of a Stalinist propaganda tract, but as an awkward children’s story.

Here’s an example, I transcribed for Goldilocks and the Three Bears.


Case study operative - Family bear mammals
Existed once time, traditional heterosexual family unit composed - mother bear mammal, father bear mammal, offspring bear mammal. Existing as proletariat family, laboring for to bring total fruits much futures success to most glorious nation-state.


There are quite number of videos on YouTube, if you want to explore further. Sure, this type of thing has been done before, but I think he pulled it off.

There was also a Q&A session between a journalist and Chuck. Unfortunately, they got the most vacuous journalist imaginable. She is from the CBC, a typical example of what is wrong with institutionalize banality in the arts in Canada. She did not have a clue what she was talking about and asked some of the most inane questions that I’ve heard uttered from a so-called professional’s mouth. Palahniuk took it all in stride. He would twist whatever question around to what he wanted to talk about, in any case.

Both the reading and the talk were very engaging and funny, peppered with anecdotes and observations. He came across as intelligent and down-to-earth. However, I noticed that some around me were bored with the talking. At one point, when he was discussing how he had constructed the narrative for some of his novels, I overheard someone say “Is this English class?” Certainly, there was a portion of the crowd that were there only for the celebrity experience, to capture the spectacle on their cell phones, and not for the substance. Sure, this type of thing happens with any “name” performer. Maybe I don’t get out much, but I thought the event was a groove sensation.

After an hour and a half, I managed avoid the crush of people leaving the event, slipping out into the parking lot with an inflatable penguin in tow.

Blood Feast (a few quick observations)

I was re-watching Herschell Gordon Lewis’s Blood Feast last week on TV. It’s a classic low budget gore/slasher film from the early sixties – lots of blood, cannibalism, stilted acting, cheap camera work, pulp writing and occult themes. As I said, a classic.

Just a few meat observations:
1) Blood Feast contains this great line delivered by the mother after thwarting the sacrifice of her daughter on the kitchen table and discovering the catered food for the party was human flesh – “I guess we’ll have to eat hamburgers for dinner tonight.” Makes me laugh every time.

2) The commercials that ran during this airing were for packaged meats and sausages. I don’t normally watch commercials but this pairing of content between movie and advertisements was wonderful. Ain't postmodernism fun!

While I dig Blood Feast, my fave so far is Gruesome Twosome (although the opening sequence to Something Weird is one of the creepiest bits I’ve seen.) I have not watched Wizard of Gore or the Gore Gore Girls yet, so ...

Proposal for a Television Program

The program would be called "So You Didn't Want to Fuck Me?!" and could either be a separate program or an ongoing segment in an established show. The premise is simple - I surprise former crushes (both men and women) at their homes or work. I give them exactly 15 seconds to explain why they did not fuck me. When the timer is up, I blast an air horn in their face and scream "Too late for excuses, motherfucker!" I then spray the area and every one nearby with feces from a hose connected to a septic tank pumper truck. After that, I haul a deteriorating pig or sheep carcass into the room. I drop my pants and fuck the animal carcass screaming "I'd rather fuck this than you any day!" When I finish, I set the carcass on fire. We can use funky music for the soundtrack and also add a laugh track, if necessary.

WeFunk Radio, dig?

Like to groove to the sweet bass riffs and phat beats of original funk and hip hop? Then get your ass over to

WWW.WEFUNKRADIO.COM


WeFunk Radio is a weekly radio show out of Montreal, Quebec, Canada. The shows combine the best hip hop, funk, R&B and soul, past and present, into two hours of awesome listening. From rare tracks to well-known classics, Professor Groove and DJ Static do an excellent job keeping things hoppin'.

Through the website, you can listen to past shows (roughly 400 as of this writing) and access the continuous radio stream (you can get this through itunes radio as well).

I've been listening to this show for years and have never been disappointed. Don't be a poindexter, shake that thang!

Pulp Find

Last week, I managed to find some pulps by women writers on the remainder tables. They are all reprints from Feminist Press, part of the Femmes Fatales series. The books are:

The Blackbirder by Dorothy Hughes
Bunny Lake is Missing by Evelyn Piper
Laura by Vera Caspary
Women’s Barracks by Tereska Torres

I am not familiar at all with women’s pulp writing, so I am really happy with this find. They look great - lurid covers and good quality production. I will blog more when I read them, so I can spread the word a bit.

If anyone has any other suggestions of women pulp writers that I can explore further, please drop me a line.

Bonging Hell's Belly

This performance by The Emetics (Kedrick james and Doni Scob) is from Fake Jazz Wednesdays at the Cobalt Hotel in Vancouver, October 17, 2007. They live up to their name with this closing number. Good times!








Check out their website at Discipline of Chaos. There's more fun than you can shake a stick at!

No Pity

Here's a promo video for Stewart Home's short story collection, No Pity published way back in 1993. It's got skinheads, dolly birds, minor sploshing, shrimping and union jack apparel. What more do you want?!



While you're at it, check out Stewart Home's website at www.stewarthomesociety.org. It's packed with groovy articles on art, writing, politics and more. Come on, you know you want to ...

Paraphilia Magazine Issue 2

Just a quick note:

Paraphilia Magazine has just hit the stands. Haven't had a chance to read it yet but to judge from a quick skim, it looks great. Please go to www.paraphiliamagazine.com for a pdf copy.

Don't be a chump, it's free!

Bathrooms are ...

"Bathrooms are for fucking, shitting and fighting, in that order."


First line of an abandoned pulp/parody I was writing years ago. Who knows? It may see the light of day yet ...

Re: my previous blog post -

“If we don’t read the books with which we carefully line our apartments, then we’re no better than our dogs and cats.”

Terrence McKenna attributes this to William James in his talk “Surfing Finnegan’s Wake”. (Although, I couldn’t find any other attribution for this.) That said, the quote does embody a wonderful Victorian attitude, doesn’t it.

My Personal Reading Challenge; or My own Fire Sale (literally)

I have a new goal: To read my entire book collection before my 50th birthday or the whole lot goes up in flames. That’s right, burn the whole collection if I don’t get off my ass and finally read these things that have been hanging around my place, in some cases for 25 years. I’m addicted to my books. I collect them, I don’t read them. So I decided to give myself some serious motivation.

I have nine years. This should be plenty of time. I’ve done some rough calculations and I have approximately 350 books left to read. Which works out to about 38 books per year. Say one a week, give or take. Some I should be able to blaze through, like Jim Thompson, Chester Himes, and R. Crumb. Unfortunately, I have the Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, Sartre’s Critique of Dialectical Reason and a bunch of William Vollmann, which will make it difficult to keep on schedule. Not to mention family and work and etc. and the fact that I continue to buy books. But I think I can adjust for all this.

Right now I’m reading the Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano with Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole and Information Bomb by Paul Virilio on deck. So let’s get this challenge underway. Well, maybe later. I’ve got lots of time.

Some books I've bought lately

No commentary. Just the list. See next blog posting as to why this is now an "issue".

Time for Revolution – Antonio Negri
Information Bomb – Paul Virilio
Galactic Pot Healer – Philip K. Dick
Lies, Inc – Philip K. Dick
Dictionary of the Esoteric - Neville Drury
Doc Savage Brand Of The Werewolf &
Fear Cay (Nostalgic Ventures edition)
Doc Savage The Red Spider (Nostalgic Ventures edition)
Her Magesties Secret Service – Ian Fleming
Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao – Junot Diaz
Radio Free Albemuth – Philip K. Dick
The Grifters – Jim Thompson
Poor People – William Vollmann
Celebration – Harry Crews
Scar Tissue – Harry Crews
Feast of Snakes – Harry Crews
Key of Solomon the King
In the Shadow of the Silent Majorities – Jean Baudrillard
Complete Richard Allen Vol 1 – Richard Allen

Remembrance of Pranks Past

With April 1 just past, I became sentimental about some past pranks. A grade school favorite was to pour ground black pepper into my hand, tempt somebody to come closer to me, then throw the pepper into their face. Pure comedy gold.

Eventually, another opportunity came with the Vancouver Opera Society. They had an ad campaign for their production of Don Giovanni where the poster art of Don looked exactly like porn legend Ron Jeremy. My friend, Jerry, crafted a beautiful letter criticizing the VOS’s decision to actually cast Mr. Jeremy as Don in the production. This letter was mailed off to the VOS, newspapers, opera magazines, international opera houses and a local music store that was a supporter of the VOS. We wanted other defenders of culture to denounce this travesty of high art being tainted with the stench of porn. A class action suit was also hinted at. We received a few bewildered responses and a great correspondence with the owner of the local music store who got the joke. However, we could have pushed this one and didn’t. This was my first real prank on an outside target, so it suffered a bit from lack of experience and faulty execution.

Oddly enough, my most successful prank happened at work. I individually shrink wrapped everything on a coworker’s desk while she was on vacation. The response was great – a big yell of surprise when she realized what had happened, with coworkers crowding around the desk with astonished looks and giving their own theories of what happened. I walked past her desk to use the fax machine, poked my head through the crowd and said “Wow, that’s odd. Anybody see a fax for me?” before heading back to my desk. The IT guy had replaced the wallpaper on her computer with a picture of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence from Bad Boys as a calling card. When she saw the picture, the IT guy was blamed and I kicked up my feet to enjoy the festivities.

A funny aside, I shrink wrapped everything in plain view of others in the office, nodding and chitchatting to coworkers as I stood at her desk. However, at the reveal, these same coworkers were genuinely surprised and concluded that it was someone who worked the weekend shift (the prank came to a head on a Monday). The IT guy worked on the weekend (plus the new wallpaper) so all fingers pointed to him. He was cool with it as he achieved some notoriety.

Now, there is one I’ve been itching to do, but circumstances might make it too risky (I mean kinda dangerous!) at the moment. More later.

Paraphilia Magazine now available

Hey folks,
Paraphilia Magazine #1 is now available at www.paraphiliamagazine.com I've skimmed through it and have to say, it's fucking awesome. The first issue blew away any expectations I had. Please check it out. It's available as a free download so you have no excuses. Great work Dave and Dire and others.

Some disclosure - while I have a short story in this issue, I'm not acting as a shill. Honestly, this is a great introduction to some alternate/alternative ideas and artists.

Not my proudest moment

I once shit myself in public

It’s true. I was nearing the end of a successful night of drinking when the bar closed and there was the promise of another late night venue to continue the festivities. I went to relieve myself in an alley. As I was in a hurry, I tried to force the issue and … well … I REALLY did not expect THAT to happen.

While I stood there, pissing, warm shit in my pants, scenarios buzzed through my head. Since it was winter and I was wearing layers – underwear, long underwear, pants, - I decided that I would let this play out. I had places to go and hopefully people to meet.

So like a trooper, I went with it. Through a cab ride, a walk around the city searching for a place I increasingly realized did not exist, and a long cab ride back to the apartment. I did not do anything sooner about the situation because I did not want to let on what had happened. Preferring to sit and walk around in my own filth than to reveal this secret.

Good times.

All Avant-Garde All the Time

I just rediscovered Ubuweb after forgetting about it for a couple of years. If you don’t know about it already, Ubuweb is a huge archive of avant-garde material; everything from L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E to Fluxus to Sound Poetry to on and on. It’s hard to articulate the scope of the site unless you check it out yourself, as in RIGHT NOW!

www.ubu.com

My goal is to work through as much of the site as I can before December 31 2009. Or before I go insane. Whichever comes first.

Go further ->

A New Height of Christmas Cheer

Away in a Manger, Asshole!

I just came across a little celebration of Christmas cheer I recorded in 1998 called Away in a Manger, Asshole! . I wanted to upload it for this holiday season but it is on cassette tape and I do not have the tools or the know-how. I will do a 2009 version, when I have some time …

That's it. Nothing really. Just a little teaser. So Happy Fucking Holidays, I guess.